Fat bottomed girls

I could never fall in love with a woman who had a fat bum.

It's not that I consider it a fatal flaw in a gal - some of my best female friends and relatives have huge arses - it's just that I'm not attracted to chicks with big patooties.

But here's the thing - by admitting this in print - I've guaranteed myself a minimum of twenty mocking emails, three angry phone-calls from the aforementioned female friends and at least one face-to-face smack-down with a fat chick.

Yet, if a female columnist or blogger wrote that she couldn't fall in love with a short guy or a bald man, well, that's a giggle, that's completely understandable, that's 90 per cent of episodes of Sex and The City ...

As I've written in previous posts, if there's a substance on this planet that's more talked about than property prices, more controversial than embryonic stem cell research and more explosive than a sweating block of Semtex, it has to be female fat.

You can't escape its reach in everyday life; our foods are processed and marketed to reduce it, movies are scripted and promoted to generate fear of it, clothes and undergarments are manufactured to hide it (or produce loathing for it), and billion-dollar diet and cosmetic surgery industries flourish to get rid of it.

And while it is women who do most of the worrying about their fat - its distribution, density and the possibility of it appearing after marriage are also oft-discussed topics among men.

Millions of guys, rightly or wrongly, daily dismiss or accept partners based on their body fat.
Men are obsessed with bodies and, thanks to the influences of pornography, beer adverts and high fashion, there's more than enough fodder to convince us that if a woman is not sporting a tight rig, she's somehow less desirable.

I'm as big a victim of this syndrome as anyone and admit that all of my serious relationships have been with women who made me sigh pleasantly when they disrobed.

This is because undressing a woman is like unwrapping a Christmas present from your Grandma. If you don't like what you get, you just have to smile and pretend to be excited for the next two hours (or twenty years).

The thing is, our fixation on hardbodies is completely socialised - many of you could no doubt cite other eras that prize a Rubenesque figure in womankind, while Hispanic and black cultures hold the big booty as the archetype of femineity.

This merely serves to prove how powerful a lifetime of media imagery can be.

I wasn't born with a preference for women with small bums and flat stomachs, it is not a default setting hard-wired into my circuit board, rather it's been soldered there year after year thanks to swimsuit calendars, Bond movies and surf magazines.

When you're a young bloke down the beach or at the pool with your mates, chicks are callously rejected because they "have a fat arse" and dudes whose girls are tidy are lauded as legends because they have attracted said glamour.

This is why women worldwide flagellate themselves with diets and eating disorders in order to fit a body aesthetic encouraged by the media and fashion designers, yet if men display impressionability to the same influences we're considered arseholes, stupid or superficial.

They are actually two sides of the same coin and while males are not 'victims' of the same calibre as body-obsessed women, men and boys are certainly affected by the fear and loathing of fat - which is probably why you didn't see white rock stars or George Clooney squiring tubby chicks to the Oscars last night.

Women, however, are ones who buy the magazines, clothes and potions that drive this 'ideal'; men like me, who are attracted to it, are merely the by-product.

You could speculate that men covet women with athletic bodies because they subconsciously feel they will produce healthy, desirable offspring with these females but there is nothing unhealthy about cellulite; even 20-year-old swimsuit models have it.

The fact is many men will overlook a woman's mental instability, absence of a sense of humour, absence of intelligence, even absence of teeth - if she has an incredible figure, which shows just how powerfully suckers like me have been conditioned.

So sure, call us superficial arseholes for expressing a preference for little bums, dash off an abusive email if you must, but really, we've been manipulated just as surely as the woman who spends her lunch hour on the Stairmaster or her savings paying for liposuction.

A man's guide to buying lingerie

Three couples, six different styles of lingerie. (P-D)

WRITTEN BY DEBRA D. BASS

PD FASHION EDITOR

02/06/2009

When it comes to lingerie, men tend to be more enthusiastic in their appreciation than women. But women do not deny the inherent appeal.

After an informal survey of both genders, the results are fairly straightforward. Men and women like lingerie because it's sexy.

Men wanted to see it more often and women joked that they "should" wear it more. One problem it seems is that lingerie has got such a mystique that most women consider it special occasion apparel.

So it's no surprise that one perception remained very consistent among couples. Women almost universally expected their husband, boyfriend or significant other to pick out lingerie that was racier, raunchier and more revealing than what they would choose.

We decided to test out the theory with three local couples at various stages of their relationship. We have a married couple with adult children, a young couple planning a wedding in April and a newly formed duo that's been dating for two months.

We selected three websites selling a variety of lingerie from innocent and casual to hot and sexy. The men and women were told to go to the websites separately. He was told to pick out something he thought the woman would look sexy wearing. She was told to pick something that she would feel sexy wearing.

In general, the guys picked items that showed more skin, but none of them picked elaborate looks with hooks and garters, corsets and ruffles. The women tended to prefer things with more girlish elements of lace or embroidery. And our ladies all went for classic black. It was the guys who chose color and prints.

Seven simple rules

1 Know her size. Check out the size numbers in the garments that she wears most often. Women tend to hang on to various sizes over the years, so don't pick out the size in something you haven't seen her wearing in a while. Take note of panty and bra sizes, and a skilled salesperson can help you figure out the size for most anything else that catches your eye.
2 If she doesn't own any lingerie, don't expect her to go all out with something wild and racy. Lingerie can make a person feel quite self-conscious, so take that into account.
3 Don't be cheap. You'll be surprised at how much some ladies underwear can cost. If you don't have the budget, don't skimp. If you've only got $20, you might want to stick with a sexy pair of panties.
4 Don't be limited to the exotic. A great silk slip or bra set can be worn under clothing all day or for a nice night out for dinner. That'll give you something to fantasize about for a while instead of something she only wears from the bathroom to the bed.
5 Wrap it up. Most women (at least those who aren't the uber-practical type) love unwrapping petite boxes with ribbon.
6 Don't be offended if she only wears it once, or only on special occasions. Ask her about it once in a while. Does she like it? What does she prefer? Would she wear it more if you didn't rip it off so quickly?
7 Don't let this advice inhibit you. If you really think something is pretty and sexy, give it a shot. And while you're at it, think of wearing something special for the occasion yourself. It might break the ice.



Married

Jim Moore, 59, and Marianne, 45, Belleville. Married seven years and together for 10 years, (they have a Brady Bunch clan of five adult children)





Marianne said that she wears lingerie almost every day, whether it's a pretty bra or a lacy camisole that she wears to bed with pajama bottoms. She like pretty things. And to that end, she selected a lacy bra and panty set from Badgley Mischka. The Lana bra ($85) and tap pants ($42) in black with an ivory accent "leaves something to the imagination," she said. And "it looks comfortable, which for me is key to feeling sexy. I don't want to have to worry about things riding up or not fitting properly."

She suspected that her husband had selected something racy and elaborate with garters and corsets and snaps, but he quickly exclaimed, "Oh, no, that stuff is dangerous."


His choice was a D and G Intimates Leopard Print Bra, (now on sale for $34.90), and matching panties (now on sale for $21.90). He said that the choice seemed, "sexy and wild looking."







Engaged

Damon Johnson, 27, and Adhar Usher, 26, St. Louis. They are planning their wedding in April.




She preferred a black Intimissimi satin and with lace teddy ($48). It's a classic cute but sexy look that has a bit of innocence and a hint of nostalgia.
He preferred a two-piece midriff baring bra ($48) and side-tie bikini ($18) set in pink satin with bows. It's a more contemporary look that is subtly opposite. It's sexy but cute.



Damon said that it "reflected Adhar's personality (and of course, my own personal preference in lingerie). It's sexy without being too dramatic, fun but seductive." He said that he's not a fan of garters and bustiers, because "complicated lingerie can be intimidating and even distracting. Keep it simple."


Both of them admitted the they didn't think the other would have selected the same thing they chose. But on a funny note, each of them seemed to think that they had chosen a racier garment than the other.




Dating

Anthony Robinson, 41, Central West End, and Kyla Grunwald, 23, Maplewood. They have been dating for two months.





Kyla chose a sheer babydoll nightie with floral embroidery, bow accents and a plunging neckline called the Aubade's Caprice Combinette in black ($189), which she would pair with the matching bottoms, a string thong ($49). Then she noted that she'd wear it with stockings.



Anthony selected the Boudoir's Leavers Lace with Silk Contour Underwire Bra ($130) and matching silk thong ($55) in deep blue lace over pink silk. He said that he chose the lingerie because of the design, material and color.


"I thought that all of those qualities would enhance Kyla's figure and skin tone," Anthony said. "I think her choice was nice, but I was looking for something other than black or red as that seems to be the standard."
She said that she liked her choice because it just looked sexy and provocative, but not totally revealing.